Been having lapses of depression and mania like a mother fucker. Its not that I dont want to take my medication, its that I seriously honestly dont remember to fuckin take it! About three weeks ago now, when my relationship with my boyfriend was failing and my best friend decided that he wanted nothing to do with me, I fell into a deep depression. I never felt more alone, and more hopeless. Here I am a single mother of an almost 3 yr old boy, No parents (both deceased), an estranged family, no “real” friends, and a job that seems to be dicking me around and is going no where. My life, in shambles.
Again, I had a suicical thought, but this time I wasnt going to allow it take me to the hospital. The last time I felt this depressed and hopeless I ended up in St. Marys and was blue papered for 1 1/2. My ex loved this, its just one more thing he can use against me to say Im “mentally unstable”. Well Im not mentally unstable, I have a god damn disease, it cant be cured, but I can control it with medication.
I called for counseling and called my psychiatrist and made an apointment. The fucking thing with pyschiatrist is that they are always so overbooked , you have to wait forever to get in. Im seeing mine, sometime in late May. I started taking my lamictal again, but only did take it for about a week. Now Ive forgotten to take it for over a week, and I found myself the past couple of days being so irritable, and tired. I had the day off yesterday with my son and all I wanted to do was sleep all day. He litterally had to jump on top of me and scream at me to get out of bed (You would think I had a major hang over or something, no, I was just extremly and utterly exhausted)
I did have to get out of the house for a couple of hours to fax my time sheets into CT, and I made us a spahgetti dinner, did his bath ect. I feel bad when Im like this, because I imagine Im no fun for my son. We dont do anything but sit at home, and he just wants to watch movies.
We went to bed early last night, Id say about 8 pm, and this morning my ex’s wife picked him up at 545, I overslept, I felt bad waking up to her pounding on the door. My son left, and I didnt get called back into work, so I went back to bed and didnt wake up until 12:30. I never got a call into work, and I would have just laid in bed all day, Except about 1:30 I got a call to go in and cover a co-worker whos grandmother had passed. Yay, hours! Driving to work I had a major headache, I think I must have slept wrong, and now I feel very shaky, like Im having some sort of withdrawel. Maybe my body knows its Thursday, and it needs alchohol. Is it possible to have your body on a time clock? I feel like absolute shit.
My employers both know that I am bi-polar, and they see my ups and downs, they are probably the best track record that I have for it. My counselor thinks that I may have some adhd, and wants to see if I have more adhd/depression, and maybe my diagnosis of bi-polar could be wrong. Im not really sure about this. I could have adhd, I suppose, I do have a hard time concentrating, but its because I have 100,000,000 thoughts racing through my head at once.
I am so very fortunate that both of my employers have been so good to me. I just wish that I could be”normal”.